Uncertainty
by popmuzik68
Summary: After the infamous chapter 50, everyone in the world has written a scene with Eren and Mikasa. It was SO difficult to write! And my first-ever SnK fic. Probably the last...


_Ah…the ever-popular Chapter 50! What did Eren really mean when he told Mikasa he would wrap her scarf around her over and over…..as brother, or something else? Does he himself even know? One thing I know….it's REALLY hard to write your favorite characters!_

Uncertainty

Mikasa slipped out of the farmhouse, closing the door silently. The night was still and cool, the moon full above the trees. She paused long enough to stretch her arms high above her head, barely-healed ribs twinging in protest. Her head ached too, the remnant of the blow she had taken when the Colossal Titan had nearly taken them all out atop the wall.

Bertolt. Reiner. Traitors – and fellow cadets who had trained and sweated and struggled beside them for months. She gritted her teeth. Had she killed them both with her desperate slashes when they had revealed themselves, would they still be holed-up in this run-down farm house, hiding from the Military Police? She sighed, wincing again at the pain in her head. She would think she had never felt this tired and hopeless in her short life, but that just wasn't true.

Eren, exhausted beyond measure from the titan-shifting experiments Hanji had devised, still slept in the small room under the eaves. On her way downstairs, Mikasa had paused on the landing to exchange glares with Levi. His concern for Eren had far more to do with his professional responsibilities than any personal emotion. No soldier under Levi's command – especially one as important as Eren – would go unmonitored until he was assured of their safety. He was Levi. His squad would succeed, no matter the cost.

She stepped through shadows to the edge of the woods, absently avoiding the open expanse of grass surrounding the house. Moonlight silvered the tops of the trees, leaving the forest floor in deep shadows. She leaned against a pine tree, sighing in fatigue, frustration and the anger that had smoldered all day. Damn Hanji. And the titans. And damn Eren too, for so many reasons. God, he'd been a sight the last time they had pulled him out of his titan form. Hanji still had Moblit's sketch to prove it.

As he'd lain in the narrow bed, his face still faintly steaming as it regenerated, she had grasped his hand and held it to her face. Her tears mixed on their skin and he groaned in his sleep, pulling his hand away. So typical, pulling away from her even when he was unconscious.

Levi was right. Eren Jaeger was just a shitty brat.

"Mikasa?"

"Shit, Jean! Why did you sneak up on me?"

Jean shifted his rifle on his shoulder. The Mikasa he was more familiar with would have heard him coming a mile away and had him on his ass before she identified him. But her expression had her far away, lost in some thought that made her look so incredibly sad. And lonely.

"I am certainly not sneaking. It's my watch. Sasha should be headed out to relieve me soon. What are you doing out here so late?"

She tugged on her scarf, the gesture automatic. "I needed to move around."

Jean snorted. He almost hated that damn scarf. "Have you been sitting with him all afternoon?" Her silence was answer enough. "Idiot."

Mikasa straightened and took a half-step towards him. She wasn't quite sure which one of them he had just insulted.

"Is that moron ok, at least? Has he woken?"

She crossed her arms across her chest. "No, he's still asleep. But he should be recovered soon enough. Soon enough for Hanji to figure out what next to do with him."

Jean just watched her for a moment, his usually light eyes unreadable in the shadows. "Lucky bastard. Does he know that? How lucky he is? And will he have one thought for you once he wakes up?"

"We are not discussing this." Mikasa whirled to stalk back to the house, but Jean grabbed her elbow.

"OK! I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize, Jean. You've made your feelings toward Eren obvious enough." She jerked her arm but he held on tight, his expression suddenly fierce.

"My feelings towards _him_? Listen to me for just a minute. Before some sort of hell breaks loose or Levi finds something else for us to scrub with our toothbrushes." He dropped her arm then. She stood, half-turned towards him, eyes downcast, her hair a curve of black silk against her cheek.

"Your devotion to him is understandable." And enviable, although how it had been earned was another tragedy in this suck-ass world they lived in. "But what do you get back?"

"He and Armin are the only family I have."

"And would you wait at Armin's bedside all afternoon? Would you fight with Hanji and Levi over Armin's welfare if he were a titan-shifter?"

Mikasa rounded on him, her anger spilling over. "Yes! I would. I can't expect you to understand, Jean. Eren saved my life. His family gave me a home. Armin, too. I would do anything for them. You're just too jealous and selfish to understand."

Jean stepped closer, letting his rifle fall to the ground. They were nearly nose to nose. His eyes were gold in the darkness. "I saved your life, too, Mikasa Akerman, remember? As that titan was squeezing the breath out of you, I stabbed its' fucking eyes out. So you could _live_."

One step closer and he lifted his hands to twist his fingers through her hair. "Don't you dare forget it." Too startled to move, she stood her ground when he kissed her.

She'd never been kissed. His mouth was hard, hot and totally unmindful of her lack of experience. His fingers gentled in her hair. Jean inhaled the small sound she made and kissed her again, less angry, just as devastating. Jean, she discovered, tasted of mint and pine, like the trees surrounding them. And of desperation, too, because he knew how she felt – or didn't feel, after all.

When he abruptly released her, she blinked at the contact of the cool air on her heated face. Without another word, Jean slid his rifle back on his shoulder and stalked towards the house. Blindly, Mikasa lifted her shaking hand to her mouth and watched him go.

And from her perch in the trees above them, Sasha clapped her hand across her own mouth to stifle her gasp of surprise. She nearly dropped her bow on Mikasa's head. Just wait until she told Connie what she had witnessed….

Levi's order to evacuate came the next afternoon. It wasn't too much of a surprise. Eren had let off too much titan steam not to draw the wrong sort of attention. They were, Eren decided, fortunate to get enough notice to pack rations and other gear and head into the woods ahead of the MP's. They moved as quietly as a bunch of teenagers – and one superiorly irritated heichou – could manage. Eren trudged alongside Armin, still a little weary from all the shifting a few days before.

"We should stop soon," Armin told him, adjusting his pack. "You're tired, too."

Eren snorted. "Screw you, Arlert. Titan-shifters don't get tired."

Armin pushed him, hard. "I'll just run head and tell Hanji that."

It was nearly sunset when they stopped for food and rest at the bank of a small stream. Armin collapsed the moment Levi gave word, rolling onto his side and groaning. Eren found his own place to rest in the soft grass, sighing as he dropped his pack. Downstream, Connie and Sasha were refilling canteens. Or pretending to. Sasha was spending a lot of time whispering furiously in his ear.

Eren's eyes were drifting closed when he heard Connie exclaim. "Mikasa and Jean?! No way!"

His eyes snapped open. Mikasa, who had knelt to wash her face at the water's edge, turned to face the now-giggling pair. Sasha reddened and pressed her hand over her mouth.

"What?" Her flat tone promised violence.

"Ah, nothing," Connie gasped. "Just commenting on how cold the water is."

Mikasa narrowed her eyes at him. "Really." She looked from one to the other.

"They're just being stupid," Jean commented, scowling at them as he slung his pack down. "As usual."

Connie lost some weird internal struggle. He wheezed in laughter, trying not draw Levi's attention. Mikasa growled and pushed him backwards. He landed on his ass in the freezing water, still laughing.

"Are you next?" When she rounded on Sasha, the other girl backed away quickly, raising her hands. "Ah, no, I'm good!" She scurried away to grab more canteens.

"Mikasa! What the hell was that for?" Eren demanded. "What is going on with you three?"

"Nothing."

She wasn't usually so short with him, so it stung a little. "Whatever."

"Yes, Eren. _Whatever_."

She brushed by him with a little more force than necessary, pushing him aside with her shoulder. Jean was in her path. He reached a hand out to stop her, but thought better of it pretty quickly when she looked ready to bite at him.

Eren watched her stalk away – graceful as a panther even in her anger – until Levi gestured in an unmistakable "YOU – get over here!" manner.

"Yes, sir?" Although he was taller by a head, Eren still kept his distance from their captain. He respected Levi – especially his skills as a soldier – but on a more personal level his quirks could be downright frightening.

"I don't know what's going on with Ackerman and Kirchstein, but you need to get it under control."

"Me? Um, what the hell are you even talking about?"

"Something happened – something that has Ackerman glaring more than usual and Kirchstein still moping around after her like a love-sick puppy."

"Or horse," Eren couldn't resist muttering. "He always looks like that." But Levi's instincts were typically true. He wouldn't want anything as petty as personal emotion interfering with their next task.

"Regardless, Jaeger, they need to regain their focus for this mission. We can't afford any stupid mistakes because one of them can't keep their pants zipped."

"I didn't think that was a problem for either one of them."

"Or you either, Scout. Now get back to work. We're camping here for a few hours."

Eren blinked in surprise. What had gotten into Levi and this business about everyone keeping their pants on? The only ones who had an issue with that were Sasha and Connie….But Mikasa and Jean? _Jean?!_ He really needed to have a word with a certain dark-haired Scout. Immediately. And Kirchstein was going to die.

Except she was avoiding him and she was really good at it. After the third time she disappeared when he tried to corner her, Eren flopped on the grass next to Armin.

"What's wrong with you?" Nothing was visible of his friend above his blankets except a tangle of golden hair. He curled in a ball not far from Eren, who just nudged him with his boot in irritation.

"I have to talk to Mikasa. She's been acting weird."

"Well, she's not acting your shadow right now, that's for sure." Armin rolled over to look up at him, his blue eyes becoming solemn. "Hannes was remembering how it was when we were just kids. So many times I trailed along while she got you out of some sort of trouble. Most often it was a fight with kids twice your size." He shook his head. "She has always been there for you, ready to fight or extricate you from whatever mess you had gotten yourself into."

Eren grabbed his head in frustration. He did not want to think about Hannes. "That's the problem, Armin. She _is_ always there, coddling me like I'm a kid. But I'm not a child any longer and she doesn't understand that." Eren pushed himself up out of this own blanket. "We both thought we were going to die this time, right after Hannes…." He swallowed back something that might have become a sob.

"And she told me that I wasn't useless, that I had given her life meaning – me." He rubbed his eyes. "I can't imagine life without Mikasa." His voice dropped. "But I don't know if I can give her what she wants."

"Go talk to her, Eren. She deserves that much. And find out what Connie and Sasha were giggling about." Armin yawned and burrowed back down in his blanket. "And get yourself some rest, too. It's a long walk back to Trost."

Mikasa was perched on a rocky outcropping set into the hill above the stream. The moon was still full, so her silhouette stood out in sharp relief against the gray rock. He sat down right next to her and leaned back against the rough stone. Although she didn't physically move, he could feel her withdraw.

"Everything ok?"

"Yes."

"Is Jean bothering you? More than usual anyway?"

She wouldn't look at him. "I can handle Jean."

Eren sat up. "Actually, I heard that he was handling you. Or something like that."

"This isn't like you, Eren. If you want to know something, just ask me."

He took a breath. "Levi even told me to tell you two to get it under control. Mikasa, at least look at me."

She finally turned to face him. She didn't want to move away from him, not when he voluntarily sought her out – and not to air some complaint or bitch at her for something. He was sitting with his arms propped on his knees, his expression concerned. He looked like a 15-year-old kid who had been through hell and back in the past few weeks, his brilliant eyes blurred with fatigue. She probably looked the same.

"Jean saved my life. I've never felt so helpless. I would have died if he had not disabled that titan." Absently, she pressed her hand against her ribs. The giant's grip had robbed her of air, the pressure agonizing, much like her feelings for Eren left her. Gasping, lost and so unsure of what they meant.

"He thinks I spend too much of my energy focusing on you." She shifted impatiently, dropping her gaze. "But then you saved me as well. And I told you how I felt, how grateful I am to you." She blinked rapidly, hating the tears that blurred her vision. She used her scarf to wipe her eyes. "But Jean is the one who kissed me."

"What?!" Eren half-rose and grabbed her arm. "He's dead. He has no right to – "

"Don't say that!" she interrupted, turning so fast her hair flew around her cheeks. " _You_ have no right, Eren, to be angry with him for being honest about his feelings."

"But _Jean_ – he – that horse-faced bastard!"

Mikasa gripped his wrist. The tears ran freely now. The pressure in her chest was the titan all over again. "I always thought my first kiss would be from you." There – she'd said it, she'd bared her hope for him, her childish wish for the turn she wanted their relationship to take.

Eren opened his mouth, but he had no immediate response. It's just that he had never spent much thought on what anyone else might feel for Mikasa. They had lived together for a while – with his parents, then without. They had squabbled at the dinner table, tattled each other's secrets, shared the same bed when they were frightened kids. And she had always been one step behind him, watching and guarding him from his own folly. Or trying to. He had a hell of a talent for getting into trouble.

Miserable, Mikasa buried her face in her hands. "Just go now, please."

This was so unlike her! She was not this weak, sniveling _girl_ whowas wasting tears on some boy. She was strong, unmatched in bottle save for Levi. But this was Eren. She had proved several times she had no sense at all where he was concerned.

"Mikasa." Warm hands covered her own, more gentle than she ever hoped Eren could be with her. "I wondered if that was how you felt." She couldn't look at him, not now. She heard his sigh, felt his grip loosen. Her body went rigid when he looped his arm around side and pulled her against his shoulder. "All I feel any more is rage and hatred and death. And loss. We're surrounded by it. If I lost you, or Armin, it would kill me. But I can't give up if there's any hope for a future outside these walls. You know that."

She nodded against his shoulder, her eyes still closed tight. He smelled like home. Here she was, top of their class, respected amongst the Scout Legion for her skill and poise, nearly undone by the embrace of the boy she loved.

"There's not much room for any other feeling. I'm sorry." He rested his cheek against her hair – his damp cheek. God, they were a pair of sorry, foolish children. "But I do love you. Just don't ask me more than that right now, ok? And don't ever give up on me. I need you, even when I act like I don't."

Mikasa took a shaky breath, willing herself calm. "OK." Her hand twisted in her scarf. He'd given her as much as he could and it would have to be enough.

Levi couldn't rest. He prowled their small camp, pausing once to forcibly drag Connie as far from Sasha as possible, then patrolling the edge of stream. He knew Ackerman was on watch. He wasn't particularly worried about anything going unnoticed until he saw Eren's empty blankets next to a gently snoring Armin. He paused, absently noting the rise and fall of the boy's chest as he slept. How Arlert could be so incredibly devious and look so innocent, he certainly did not know.

Resigned to kicking some more newbie Scout ass for whatever Jaeger and Ackerman were up to, he climbed the rocks to their overlook, his steps silent. When he saw them huddled together, Mikasa's head resting against Eren's shoulder, he faltered in surprise. Their embrace was intimate, but not – somewhere between siblings offering comfort and something more. Unwillingly, his hand went to his pocket, his fingers closing on the cloth emblem within. The Wings of Freedom he held there were faded and more than little ragged.

Shit. Unwillingly, more struck by the obvious emotional bond between his two Scouts than he wanted to acknowledge, he closed his eyes. Memory was cruel, but so, so clear. He remembered her bickering with Olulo and how she would just laugh when he went into a cleaning tirade. She was brave and honest and faithful to her core. And beautiful. He remembered the flash of sunlight on her red hair as her broken body tumbled from the back of a wagon.

Biting back the emotion, Levi cursed silently. Even the strong needed someone to lean on from time to time. Except him. Never again.

Leaving the two alone, he silently found his own spot to monitor until it was time for them to move out.


End file.
